Who I Was When I was With Him
3 years ago today I filed for divorce from him. I look back and realize it was the BEST decision I have ever made in my life.
And as I look back I realize who I used to be when I was with him.
I was a horrible person. Because I was not happy I was not a very good person.
I was VERY materialistic. I was someone who wanted all the nice things. designer clothes, handbags, and shoes, a fancy car, and going out to fancy dinners and nice places. I wanted to show off too. I would post all of this on social media so others could see it. I would also post things on social media as if we were the perfect couple. Little did people know that it was actually the total opposite. There were many instances of infidelity. I was not told I was beautiful. I was not given any attention. Because of the infidelity there wasn't any trust and there was insecurities on my end. There wasn't any romance at all. I wasn't his number one in life. It was more like I was his number ten, maybe even fifteen.
He worked in construction. My family is well connected in the area and I always wondered why my dad would not introduce him to many people that he knew to help him get more work. I would hear so many bad things about how he worked and how he treated his workers. Many times his workers would come by the house and ask for him and most of the time he wasn't there and I didn't understand why. I ran his social media sites and I had seen messages from people who did work for him and that they would claim that he didn't pay them. I had questioned him about it and he would claim that they did get paid and that they are lying, or that they did a bad job and he had to find someone else to finish the job. Needless to say, I fell for it.
I remember the first time he was arrested. I thought it was for tickets he hadn't paid. But he had written bad checks. He claimed he did this to pay his workers. So again I listened and fell for it. Family members would also tell me about how he was and I would ignore it. I would actually get mad because I couldn't believe they were lying to me about him. Little did I know they weren't. I remember I would tell him about my family telling me things and he would say they were lying. Of course I believed him again and he would speak negatively about them, I wouldn't tell him to stop either because i was upset that they would say such things about my husband to me.
As I look back I see how I treated those around me. I was not very nice. I wouldn't be nice to my family either and lost many connections with those that I really loved because of him.
Sometimes I asked myself if it was my fault, him cheating. Was it my fault because I wasn't a very good person? Then I realized it wasn't. I was still a supportive wife, I was still a loving wife. I was still someone who took care of him. That's what I did, I didn't believe anything negative that people would say because he was my husband and I wasn't going to allow people to speak so negative about him.
Little did I know he had cheated many times, and those times I had spoken to a couple of the girls. Turns out even though I was defending him from others, he was speaking very ugly things about me to those women. He said I was controlling, that I had cheated, that I was so horrible to him, that I was fat and unattractive, and that he didn't love me. That probably hurt the most because here I was defending him and all the bad things he had done to others and he didn't support or defend me behind my back. Instead he did the total opposite.
Today I see that he hasn't changed. He has cheated on his current wife. He is still not paying his workers and he has stolen from people, and he has also been arrested for bad checks again. He is still the same person he was when I filed for divorce 3 years ago.
But I am not that same person. I met the man of my dreams and I see that I have completely changed because of him. Materialistic things don't matter at all. I don't feel the need to show off because I am truly happy. The only thing that matters is my family. My new man has truly changed me and in the best way. I am my best self because of him. He tells me I am beautiful everyday. Even on days that I do not feel beautiful. He supports my dreams and encourages me to achieve my goals. He is a wonderful father to our 8 month old baby boy. He is a great friend to my daughter and not only takes care of me but he does things for her too. He accepts me for who I am and that is the BEST feeling.
Its amazing how you can change when you are loved correctly.
For those that I spoke negatively about, and made excuses to for my ex, and those that i treated poorly, I AM VERY SORRY. There is no excuse for such bad behavior.
And as I look back I realize who I used to be when I was with him.
I was a horrible person. Because I was not happy I was not a very good person.
I was VERY materialistic. I was someone who wanted all the nice things. designer clothes, handbags, and shoes, a fancy car, and going out to fancy dinners and nice places. I wanted to show off too. I would post all of this on social media so others could see it. I would also post things on social media as if we were the perfect couple. Little did people know that it was actually the total opposite. There were many instances of infidelity. I was not told I was beautiful. I was not given any attention. Because of the infidelity there wasn't any trust and there was insecurities on my end. There wasn't any romance at all. I wasn't his number one in life. It was more like I was his number ten, maybe even fifteen.
He worked in construction. My family is well connected in the area and I always wondered why my dad would not introduce him to many people that he knew to help him get more work. I would hear so many bad things about how he worked and how he treated his workers. Many times his workers would come by the house and ask for him and most of the time he wasn't there and I didn't understand why. I ran his social media sites and I had seen messages from people who did work for him and that they would claim that he didn't pay them. I had questioned him about it and he would claim that they did get paid and that they are lying, or that they did a bad job and he had to find someone else to finish the job. Needless to say, I fell for it.
I remember the first time he was arrested. I thought it was for tickets he hadn't paid. But he had written bad checks. He claimed he did this to pay his workers. So again I listened and fell for it. Family members would also tell me about how he was and I would ignore it. I would actually get mad because I couldn't believe they were lying to me about him. Little did I know they weren't. I remember I would tell him about my family telling me things and he would say they were lying. Of course I believed him again and he would speak negatively about them, I wouldn't tell him to stop either because i was upset that they would say such things about my husband to me.
As I look back I see how I treated those around me. I was not very nice. I wouldn't be nice to my family either and lost many connections with those that I really loved because of him.
Sometimes I asked myself if it was my fault, him cheating. Was it my fault because I wasn't a very good person? Then I realized it wasn't. I was still a supportive wife, I was still a loving wife. I was still someone who took care of him. That's what I did, I didn't believe anything negative that people would say because he was my husband and I wasn't going to allow people to speak so negative about him.
Little did I know he had cheated many times, and those times I had spoken to a couple of the girls. Turns out even though I was defending him from others, he was speaking very ugly things about me to those women. He said I was controlling, that I had cheated, that I was so horrible to him, that I was fat and unattractive, and that he didn't love me. That probably hurt the most because here I was defending him and all the bad things he had done to others and he didn't support or defend me behind my back. Instead he did the total opposite.
Today I see that he hasn't changed. He has cheated on his current wife. He is still not paying his workers and he has stolen from people, and he has also been arrested for bad checks again. He is still the same person he was when I filed for divorce 3 years ago.
But I am not that same person. I met the man of my dreams and I see that I have completely changed because of him. Materialistic things don't matter at all. I don't feel the need to show off because I am truly happy. The only thing that matters is my family. My new man has truly changed me and in the best way. I am my best self because of him. He tells me I am beautiful everyday. Even on days that I do not feel beautiful. He supports my dreams and encourages me to achieve my goals. He is a wonderful father to our 8 month old baby boy. He is a great friend to my daughter and not only takes care of me but he does things for her too. He accepts me for who I am and that is the BEST feeling.
Its amazing how you can change when you are loved correctly.
For those that I spoke negatively about, and made excuses to for my ex, and those that i treated poorly, I AM VERY SORRY. There is no excuse for such bad behavior.
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